Infertility

Some people might think "why blog about something so personal" but I write this in hopes that I can help someone else-either someone with infertility issues or their loved ones. I remember when we were first doing the tests we felt it was not something we should talk about and it felt like a weight on our shoulders one we had to carry alone. As we told our family and friends, the weight felt lighter and we didn't feel so bad...maybe even less shameful about it. Maybe it has something to do with "mourn with those that mourn" that helped. Many people sent us kind thoughts and tokens of love the first time in vitro did not work and we felt loved. I remember crying to my loving fellow teachers and them helping me with my perspective (one had gone to the same infertility specialists with better results...a baby).

I just now got home from talking to a man that attends my church. He is a professor and counsels couples with infertility issues. It was neat to talk to him and hear how knowledgeable he was and hear about all the research he's done. He said that it is just as stressful to a family for someone to get cancer as to go through infertility problems. I believe this. Even thinking back to that time brought tears to my eyes- even though I told myself through those years I wanted to be happy and make the most of the time so I wouldn't look back at the time with regret (and yes, I had very many wonderful experiences and incredible opportunities).

It is very hard to understand how devastating infertility is, so I write this section for those that don't but want to be there for their loved ones. Listening and loving are the best things you can do. Even though you might not understand or are worried about saying the wrong things, do something just to let the couple know they are loved and thought about...a note, a card, a visit etc. I remember being very angry after in vitro (the in vitro I thought for sure would work and had felt so right about) and having an open sore in my heart. I remember expressing my hurt at God and many other things you don't normally feel or say. I remember expressing these feelings to my mother-in -law and sister-in-law, Cameo, and not feeling judged (fyi my family has always been great about not judging...didn't want to leave them out here) and listened to. It was a gift at that time. Things when said that can hurt: if you have enough faith...relax, and you'll get pregnant, any examples of hope are great, but insinuating that if the person chilled out, they could get pregnant... don't stress about it.

Just a note on the just chill-out part - the professor I talked to said that it's been shown that stress really doesn't really make a difference in infertility. There is usually no stress in the first year of trying or sometimes not too much in the second (different for everyone) but in that time the couple did not get pregnant. If you don't get pregnant naturally, the procedures are intense and time consuming. I remember the nightmare of first round of tests, surgeries, etc. to see what was wrong and trying to fix it (we still don't know for sure). It's hard not to stress about it when we had so many doctor appointments and things that are special had to be done in awkward places, at exact times (not too soon or too late), etc. We were always doing procedures to try to get pregnant and waiting on the results. In vitro is very labor intensive with the shots, hormones (that make me a little loopy), blood work, an operation, etc. Drugs need to be kept at right temperatures, everything is precise. I was working at the time so I spent time preparing for subs and taking time off work. I couldn't just forget about not being a mother because there was something physical every day to remind me.

Apollo filled that void of not having children. I am a very grateful and whole person, very blessed to have two children, a boy and a girl. Now we pay over 500 bucks a year to have 2 embryos frozen. We are still left with decisions to be made. Even though we conceived Annie naturally 7 months after Apollo, will we have a hard time again? We would like to stop having children by 35. The professor talked about the the different ages and how fertility declines with age. Maybe if I had started having children at 24 without any fertility problems, I might have spaced my kids each 2 years a part. Things to think about. I remember last time doing the terrible shots-sometimes it was hard for Carleton to puncture the skin because of all the scar tissue from the other shots and sometimes they were way painful.

I haven't even mentioned the outrageous cost. I think it was 11,000 bucks just for the first procedure-not including meds, blood work, fertility doctor consultation etc. etc. etc. Even this time has been expensive and we already have frozen embryos to use. It was about $400 for meds, I had blood work done last week that cost over $100. I have more blood work coming, along with an ultrasound, the actual transfer, and more things to come after the transfer.

Yes, we are doing in vitro again right now and yes, we asked the man in charge, Apollo, and he said I could have Annie and he could have the baby. Awhile ago when we asked him about having another brother and sister, he wouldn't hear of it...he wanted Annie. No matter how much we tried to explain that we would still keep Annie too, he kept telling us he wanted Annie. Apollo saw my tummy the other day and asked me "what are those babies?" referring to the medicine patches on my tummy. We are in the process of doing in vitro right now. It's hard to believe with two little ones right now that I would be baby hungry but I am. I am excited for this opportunity but I want to create a safety net of it being ok if it doesn't work. We have two beautiful children and there will be other opportunities. If anyone is struggling with infertility, even if I don't know them, they are welcome to contact me if they are looking for a great doctor, have questions, or just need to talk about it. I have found comfort in this process from others going through the same (and others not going through the same thing but were there for us as well.)