Annie the Cruiser

During the day, we're usually out on our bikes, jogging with the kids in the stroller, playing at the park, working out at the park-playing outside. Since I've had to lay low and not push the kids in the stroller, our activities have changed. I've tried to keep up with all of Annie's "exploring". She's into everything. She started walking on her own this week.











We are still loving quiet time. a chance for Apollo to look at books on his own (or play quietly) and for him to see that we like reading.






We read some books or sing songs right before bed. Apollo has skipped a couple naps this week (he stays in his room for a couple of hours but sometimes finds too much to play with to sleep).






A hornet flew into our house and I trapped it under the window. The kids loved watching it.






I finished Apollo's bookshelf. Good thing I took a pic before Apollo and Annie started reading their books. I talked to Apollo about cleaning his room so the other day he had been playing with toys and put them all on his bookshelf. He told me he was cleaning up his bedroom.




We take our pregnancy test on Tues. I have never been happier. We have so much fun in our little family-I would love for another little person to join in our joy. The meds I'm on make me pretty emotional and I'm ready to know either way...just want to know, to move on if I need to.

Heaven is Near

Carleton and I took this before celebrating our 8th anniversary. Our other anniversary celebrations have included a weekend trip to an island, kayaking, riding on a float plane, dancing on a yacht etc. Carleton has always planned fun surprises. We laid low this time until we know more. We ate at a delish Argentine restaurant. I thank Heavenly Father every day for him. These eight years have been the best of my life and it unbelievably gets better and better. I think he's so handsome and looks more handsome each year.

Heaven is near. I feel the line is blurred between heaven and earth when Apollo and Annie were born. I have had that same feeling these last two weeks. I don't know if we will have an addition to our family but we feel that God has a plan for our family. We have felt extra thankful for Apollo and Annie. Thank you for your prayers. The first time we did in vitro it didn't work even with 3 fresh, almost perfect embryos with the nurse commenting "I don't see embryos this good." The next time we got Apollo but the 3 embryos they took out survived the initial thaw but never replicated so we had to take out three more, and with those we got one Apollo. This time we just had two left and we didn't know if they would even come out of freezing. Thankfully both came out of freezing and replicated nicely. The doctor rolled in our embryos last Tuesday as we said "Hi kids." It was a beautiful experience to see them through a microscope. It's always nice when your husband can be there at the conception of your kids:)

Good Advice. I was just thinking this week that I've gotten some good advice this week.

-EVERY DAY: Let your child feel welcome and loved from the instant he or she walks into a room. "Smile When You See Them" and leave no doubt that, at that moment, your child is the most important person in your world. -Tom Sturges Raising Amazing Children

-Follow up with logical consequences. Avoid trying to "reason" with your child, such as asking him, "How would you like it if he threw the ball at you?" Toddlers don't possess the cognitive maturity to be able to imagine themselves in another child's place or to change their behavior based on verbal reasoning. But they can understand consequences. -Baby Center

-My mind is always going a million miles a minute. I find it hard to focus even during prayer. My friend Jill said she is the same way and that meditation helps. I can see a change in her-more peaceful. I'm going to one of her meditation classes this week.

-My friend Angela said that she always lets her kids play when they are playing because the bond between her kids is a more important relationship that them with her. They love each other and play well together. I loved hearing this. I am always thinking, have I given them enough athletic time, enough learning time today but when Apollo and Annie are playing together, I will now feel good about giving them the important bonding time together.


-Be present in your life. For the last year, I have been starting a teacher training company. I always think...if moms and teachers had the tools, they and their kids would be so much happier and I'm so excited to share what I've learned. But, after a phone conversation with one of my partners, I said my little lunch time prayer over the food and was reminded of the importance of being present in my own life.


This week.
I was singing in the car... "I love..." and Apollo finished "to snuggle."

Annie is naming body parts on herself and us...nose, mouth, eyes, and ears.

I had a captive audience (Apollo and Annie) giggling at lunch. I thought in that moment-no wonder I love being a mom. My kids think I'm the funniest, prettiest (I asked Apollo if he thought I was pretty and he said yes), and coolest person (until dad gets home).

At dinner yesterday, we all took turns seeing if we could make the others laugh.

Apollo said he was going to work and got on Annie's little bus. He shoved his bear under his shirt and said he was going to have a baby. Afterward, he pulled up his shirt to nurse him. The funniest was his face of almost boredom waiting for his bear to finish. I haven't nursed Annie for months but maybe this comes from one of our library books that talks about a new baby.


When mad, I say to Apollo "don't smile..." and he laughs. Mom did this to me when I was little.

A Prayer

We're doing in vitro this week and would appreciate any prayers in our behalf. We have seen two miracles happen and are praying for a third.

Apollo just told me "you look really nice today." When I told him I loved him as he was falling asleep the other day, he said "thank you." I picked Annie up from her nap and rocked her in my arms. She snuggled into me, gave me a kiss, and snuggled back into me and did this over and over. We played hide and seek today. Apollo gets so excited to be found, he has to make little noises to make sure he gets found. All of us stayed in our pjs for a long time the other morning (they're usually dressed early in the morning) and the three of us read a million books together. We went on little bike rides as a family. We roller bladed today, stopping at a cute park we found to play. Carleton and I went out on a date and the kids had fun with their friends. Apollo sprayed paint on butcher paper at a fun "just because" party. I've been inspired by the book Eat Pray Love to really enjoy the simple beauties of life. We are surrounded by good people, perfect weather, and a beautiful area.



I went to LA on Thurs. to get an ultrasound and everything looks good. Dr. Ringler thinks the frozen embryos have a good chance of "thawing" well (he didn't use that term). They're coming out of freezing on Sunday so we'll know soon if they make it. I go in for the transfer on Tues. We've been joking how Apollo is learning about where babies come and it will be different when he compares notes with his friends some day. I've shown him the estrogen patches on my belly, talk about the medications, and doctor visits and we tell him we're trying to have a baby. The procedure itself is around 1,700 bucks and my last blood work was $160. After already spending hundreds on meds, I had to order $160 more on Thurs. I'm already on a few medications at this point in the procedure and we counted 10 medications starting tomorrow. I need to make sure to eat some with food, some can't be taken less than 4 hours from another, and some can't be taken with dairy or with other pills. I have stopped working out (I am really addicted to working out so it will be a change) for awhile to help things along. On Tuesday, I will be on bed rest and I need to take it easy for awhile afterward. It will be pushing it to lift Annie. I take a pregnancy blood test on June 1st. I have forgotten how labor intensive this is and to think it was 100 times harder when I had to grow the eggs in the first place. I have been overwhelmed by the love we feel from others. We feel that God loves us and wants us to be happy in the big scheme of things. Whether or not it means an addition to our family right now, we don't know. We are hoping so.

We bought the kids a trampoline and they love it.

We played, "Get as much laundry in the baskets as you can in 2 minutes." Here's Apollo taking his turn. We threw the laundry to him, and he tried to make it in the baskets (closer baskets are worth less points, but I guess it doesn't really matter because we didn't keep score).

Going going gone. All the kids were laughing at her (Myles and Maya were over) as she nodded off. It's been a little of an adjustment going from 2 to 1 nap.



We had Angela and Scott over with their kids for a night. It was so good to see them. Angela and I stayed up chatting until 2:30 in the morning. I love talking to such a positive mom and one that is so thoughtful about parenting. My dad came over for a few hours too. Tonight our friend Jill is coming over.


WARNING: Images might not be as beautiful as they once were. When asked what advice they got from their billionaire father (212th richest guy in the world, adventurer, and cool guy), the son replied that their father celebrated letting them make their own decisions. Even little things like picking our their own clothes. So, we've started letting Apollo pick out his own clothes. It's ok that he picks out his lime green tie-died shirt every time it's clean (the other day with church pants). I never lose him hehehe. He picks out some funny ones. I'm not into matchy-matchy but not a fan of ugly ugly. I also let him pick out a meal from my new recipe book. He was really excited about it-had fun getting the ingredients from the store-and had a blast helping me throw everything into the crock pot.

Happy Mom's Day

It doesn't get any better than this. I kept saying that as I rollerbladed on the beach yesterday with my handsome man and kids. It really felt like we had gone on vacation to a beautiful beach town with all the beautiful homes, runners, and bikers. This week was so fun...so fun. This is the first week Apollo has ridden with us on his own bike-he's super fast now and is sad when he has to get off. Also, I took a nap with Apollo the other day and woke up to Carleton making a bunch of meals on the stove for the week and then putting them in the fridge-best husband award. We had a couple game nights with friends and a lot of simple things that made each day fulfilling, biking with the kids and playing with them. Since reading Eat Pray Love, I've wanted to slow it down and enjoy my life and kids. Yesterday we found things for the kids to do while Carleton and I played card games for awhile. A chill but wonderful week. Carlton bought the new Hungry Girl cookbook for me that I wanted so I'm excited to try it out.

I am thankful to my mom. In my mind she was always so peaceful and wonderful. I never felt I could live up to this calm that my mom exuded. I found out recently that my mom worried and stressed. She said if she could have a good cry, she felt better (I rarely saw her cry). She wondered how she could get it all done...get up earlier? be more organized? Hearing this was super surprising for me and also made me feel better. My mom has always been an amazing mom and I am thankful for the good friend she is to me now. I have a new respect for her now being a mom. I never new it could be this hard. It is a job to be respected. She made growing up fun, creative, and joyful.

Infertility

Some people might think "why blog about something so personal" but I write this in hopes that I can help someone else-either someone with infertility issues or their loved ones. I remember when we were first doing the tests we felt it was not something we should talk about and it felt like a weight on our shoulders one we had to carry alone. As we told our family and friends, the weight felt lighter and we didn't feel so bad...maybe even less shameful about it. Maybe it has something to do with "mourn with those that mourn" that helped. Many people sent us kind thoughts and tokens of love the first time in vitro did not work and we felt loved. I remember crying to my loving fellow teachers and them helping me with my perspective (one had gone to the same infertility specialists with better results...a baby).

I just now got home from talking to a man that attends my church. He is a professor and counsels couples with infertility issues. It was neat to talk to him and hear how knowledgeable he was and hear about all the research he's done. He said that it is just as stressful to a family for someone to get cancer as to go through infertility problems. I believe this. Even thinking back to that time brought tears to my eyes- even though I told myself through those years I wanted to be happy and make the most of the time so I wouldn't look back at the time with regret (and yes, I had very many wonderful experiences and incredible opportunities).

It is very hard to understand how devastating infertility is, so I write this section for those that don't but want to be there for their loved ones. Listening and loving are the best things you can do. Even though you might not understand or are worried about saying the wrong things, do something just to let the couple know they are loved and thought about...a note, a card, a visit etc. I remember being very angry after in vitro (the in vitro I thought for sure would work and had felt so right about) and having an open sore in my heart. I remember expressing my hurt at God and many other things you don't normally feel or say. I remember expressing these feelings to my mother-in -law and sister-in-law, Cameo, and not feeling judged (fyi my family has always been great about not judging...didn't want to leave them out here) and listened to. It was a gift at that time. Things when said that can hurt: if you have enough faith...relax, and you'll get pregnant, any examples of hope are great, but insinuating that if the person chilled out, they could get pregnant... don't stress about it.

Just a note on the just chill-out part - the professor I talked to said that it's been shown that stress really doesn't really make a difference in infertility. There is usually no stress in the first year of trying or sometimes not too much in the second (different for everyone) but in that time the couple did not get pregnant. If you don't get pregnant naturally, the procedures are intense and time consuming. I remember the nightmare of first round of tests, surgeries, etc. to see what was wrong and trying to fix it (we still don't know for sure). It's hard not to stress about it when we had so many doctor appointments and things that are special had to be done in awkward places, at exact times (not too soon or too late), etc. We were always doing procedures to try to get pregnant and waiting on the results. In vitro is very labor intensive with the shots, hormones (that make me a little loopy), blood work, an operation, etc. Drugs need to be kept at right temperatures, everything is precise. I was working at the time so I spent time preparing for subs and taking time off work. I couldn't just forget about not being a mother because there was something physical every day to remind me.

Apollo filled that void of not having children. I am a very grateful and whole person, very blessed to have two children, a boy and a girl. Now we pay over 500 bucks a year to have 2 embryos frozen. We are still left with decisions to be made. Even though we conceived Annie naturally 7 months after Apollo, will we have a hard time again? We would like to stop having children by 35. The professor talked about the the different ages and how fertility declines with age. Maybe if I had started having children at 24 without any fertility problems, I might have spaced my kids each 2 years a part. Things to think about. I remember last time doing the terrible shots-sometimes it was hard for Carleton to puncture the skin because of all the scar tissue from the other shots and sometimes they were way painful.

I haven't even mentioned the outrageous cost. I think it was 11,000 bucks just for the first procedure-not including meds, blood work, fertility doctor consultation etc. etc. etc. Even this time has been expensive and we already have frozen embryos to use. It was about $400 for meds, I had blood work done last week that cost over $100. I have more blood work coming, along with an ultrasound, the actual transfer, and more things to come after the transfer.

Yes, we are doing in vitro again right now and yes, we asked the man in charge, Apollo, and he said I could have Annie and he could have the baby. Awhile ago when we asked him about having another brother and sister, he wouldn't hear of it...he wanted Annie. No matter how much we tried to explain that we would still keep Annie too, he kept telling us he wanted Annie. Apollo saw my tummy the other day and asked me "what are those babies?" referring to the medicine patches on my tummy. We are in the process of doing in vitro right now. It's hard to believe with two little ones right now that I would be baby hungry but I am. I am excited for this opportunity but I want to create a safety net of it being ok if it doesn't work. We have two beautiful children and there will be other opportunities. If anyone is struggling with infertility, even if I don't know them, they are welcome to contact me if they are looking for a great doctor, have questions, or just need to talk about it. I have found comfort in this process from others going through the same (and others not going through the same thing but were there for us as well.)

Update

Carleton-Off the pain meds and back to work. Missing mountain biking, racquetball, lifting, and running. Thankful for incredible friends that helped so much.

Robyn-Got to see a family sealed in the temple with their two cute boys. Finished painting Apollo's bookshelf red (while Carleton read to me "The Lost Symbol". Bought some cute fabric for some new projects. Thankful for helpful friends. Thankful to have Carleton back(some of my friends are used to doing all the meals and cleaning but I'm married to a super helper and could never do it on my own...for very long).

Apollo-Cruising around on his bike like a champ. I got this email from Krista this week and wanted to save it -" It was a pleasure taking Apollo that day, so don't feel like you need to thank me. He is such a ball of sweetness. In fact, that day when I was getting him in the car seat he said something, and I answered him "yeah sweetness" (one of my little pet names for Grant). I didn't really mean to say it, it just sorta slipped out cause Apollo IS so sweet too".

Annie-Took first steps. Got first haircut/buzz (I was done with all the different length wisps of hair so I thought if I buzzed it, it might grow back more normal) so for the time being she'll be wearing lots of hats and bands. Still a little hurricane through the house.






I was a guest blogger for my friend, Jessica. She works in a company with her dad doing teacher trainings. Go here to check it out. Here is a response to my blog post from a substitute teacher. It made me feel great.

This really helped. I am 73 years old and for the last few years have dreaded being a sub. in HS here in Loudoun County VA. I did not appreciate the fact that the students really had a lot to share and that I was not tapping that knowledge.

However, I tried following the advice listed below last Friday at a local HS and actually had fun in class. I interacted with the students and brought them into the conversation we were having about Elie Weisel's book Night. I was truly sorry to see the day end.